Setting and maintaining boundaries protects your peace and so much more.
Nicole Schiener, RP, Bringing Baby Home Educator
You need to have boundaries in order to have healthy relationships. Because boundaries are inconvenient for others, a lot of us have been raised to believe that saying no, setting limits, or declining a request is impolite or even mean. This is not so.
In our upbringings, expressing boundaries in these ways caused our relationships with our most important grownup(s) to suffer as it did not make them happy. As the old saying goes: “If you tell someone no and they erupt at you, that doesn’t mean you should have told them yes.” But children don’t have the luxury of weathering such storms, and so must do what they need to survive.
With a background like that, learning what we don’t want is usually the place to start when (re)discovering our boundaries. Knowing what we don’t want helps us get more clear about what we do want . And from there, we can learn to express our needs respectfully to family, friends, colleagues, and children instead of suffering in silence.
People without boundaries passionately complain about what they deem mistreatment or a lack of support. At the same time, they are terrified to say anything and rock the boat; a lesson well learned in childhood. Yet it is often far more dangerous (abusive relationships being the exception) to let resentment grow, fester, and ultimately destroy the very relationship they have tried to preserve.
So, what are boundaries?
Boundaries
Boundaries are about us and what we will allow and do. Boundaries are not about how others need to treat us; those are a different type of limit called rules.
Those first learning how to set boundaries usually mistake them for rules and dictate a great number of rules. The problem with rules is that it outsources the job of self-sovereignty onto others which isn’t very self-sovereign at all, is it? Rules are important, but they need to come second in the order of learned limits.
How to Communicate Boundaries
No one is a mind reader.* You cannot count on people always knowing when you feel overwhelmed, lonely, or under-appreciated, unless you tell them in words; body language only conveys so much. Others might not know how much your soul craves solitude, silence, or how huge of a difference it makes to your morning if they get dressed without a struggle.
These little things can become big things that threaten the relationship when you try to ignore them. The way to address them is to figure out what unmet need is underneath the feeling of irritation, and then expressing that need. Expressing a need isn’t making a rule, it is about you and what you require.
How much frustration and resentment could be avoided in your family if everyone said what they needed? What do they do instead?
Communication Coaching
Sometimes people want a learn-it-today-use-it-tomorrow skill for guiding a conversation about expressing their needs. This exact skill is called “communication coaching”. With proper communication coaching, it puts you in control of when and how to bring up the issue because you don’t let built-up resentment poison the conversation. As a result, love and mutual respect tend to permeate the discussion and lead to positive outcomes that offer relief over conversations going so much better than expected.
We occasionally offer Communication Coaching sessions and are always willing to tackle it during Tea Time. In addition, the Compassionate Communication channel in the Community Discord has been set up for extemporaneous peer communication coaching. If you aren’t already a Community Member, join us!
Safety and Boundaries
As a parent, you have either experienced the “No Phase” or know that it is coming. The “No Phase” is when a growing, newly alive human takes risks with their individuality, authenticity, and self-sovereignty. If this sounds like boundaries to you, you’re right! Boundaries are developmentally appropriate and a normal part of human development.
A large part of our jobs as parents is to preserve this sense of being a fabulous, boundaried individual, while also still having a functioning household rather than one dictated by a toddler. Quite the challenge. But one with payoffs. It was good for children to know the world didn’t revolve around them and that self-care is important.
If you are reading this because you didn’t get that good parenting at such a crucial time, you lost your bid for self-sovereignty because your toddler self chose safety; well done you! Unfortunately, this means that when we feel unsafe as adults, it is difficult to discover, set, and hold boundaries in ourselves: this is a trauma response from an emotionally neglectful upbringing. And even worse news, being sleep deprived from a new baby, a lack of certainty during a pandemic, or increased conflict of figuring out a new family dynamic all make us feel unsafe.
Embodying safety is essential to your boundary work. And being a boundaried parent is essential to your parenting work. Practicing self-compassion and working with a therapist can counteract the unavoidable forces of parenting that will trigger the trauma response. Therapists also provide reparative, healing experiences that can assist you in setting and holding boundaries. If you’ve pulled in a parent coach, you already know that support makes you stronger; time to expand the team.
Pressure to Change Back
Changing can create anxiety for those in our lives. Understand that they are not reacting because the changes you are making are bad or wrong. Rather they are uncomfortable because you invite them into a new and unknown dance. So hold your ground as you bravely walk in uncharted territory. Don’t be surprised if you get your toes stepped on, so to speak.
You can validate another person’s anxiety or other emotions that can arise such as hurt, frustration, or disappointment, but you don’t have to own them. They might fall down as they find their way again in this new, healthier dance. They might refuse to get back up, but that’s not on you. You must stay true to your authentic self and be prepared to let go of those who refuse to get back up.
In some cases, you won’t disappoint them.
This post was inspired by the amazing work of Nicole Schiener, a Gottman Certified Bringing Baby Home Educator in Ontario Canada. See more of her work here. Also, visit her website.