We have had another tragic school shooting.
Scared, keenly aware of the fragility of our children’s lives, and unable to avert disaster, we adults also have to make sense of the devastating violence to explain it to our students who have to go to school tomorrow. We have to reassure them even as we need reassurance ourselves.
Here is a plan to make navigation easier:
1. Control the sources of their information to make home a space for processed information.
The modern news media essentially projectile vomits facts, disturbing images, and conjecture at us in a bid for our eyeballs and thus advertisement dollars those eyeballs are worth. Some adults can handle this unprocessed infodump but most cannot, and children are even less prepared for making sense of the onslaught. It is not just okay, but ideal, to shelter young kids via the media you allow into your home and vehicle. Talk to your children about what has happened, but give them the full narrative, including a focus on next steps to protect them.
2. If kids have already heard about the shooting, connect with them and soothe them.
Sometimes children will learn about tragic events from other people before you are ready to address it with them. If this has happened, start by connecting with a hug or being a Nearby Human. Then ask them what they’re thinking and feeling; co-regulate them by reflecting back what you heard and summarizing by naming the feeling. If they don’t provide feeling information, muse about the feeling you think is associated:
“I wonder if you’re feeling …”
“The expression on your face makes me think you’re [emotion]. Is that right?”
Not all soothing is hugs or talks. Exercising together, or other ways of getting big feelings out of the body, can also be soothing.
3. Get your own parent support.
Research shows that in difficult situations, it’s often parents who feel more anxious than their children. Find a listening partner, like a friend or online group like the Nanny Knowledge Community, to gather together so you can get comfort and support, to be a calm presence for your kids. We have many great channels for you to process your feelings or gain support.
4. Reassure your children with facts: the chances of an incident occurring at their school is very low.
There are 50 million children who attend school in the US. There is roughly a one-in-ten million chance of death by gunfire for a student in the US. Take a moment to help your child re-calibrate their perspective.
Debbie Steinberg Kuntz, LMFT
brightandquirky.com/ | facebook.com/brightandquirky/
5. Channel feelings toward advocacy.
Advocacy against gun violence can be a powerful way to channel feelings over senseless acts of gun violence. If a child turns to you for advice on how to be an effective advocate and you are coming up empty, have them write a personal letter to all of their elected legislators requesting concrete action on gun reform, then, if typed, fax the letter to their offices. Fax is not only the most effective way to get an elected official to pay attention to what you want of them, but with free online fax services, it is also the most cost effective!
BONUS. Take a moment of gratitude for your own precious children.
Right now, your children are loved and safe. Take a moment to express appreciation for this gloriously normal state of affairs.
This post was inspired by Debbie Steinberg Kuntz of Bright and Quirky. Portions of this post are direct quotes from Debbie and have been indicated as such and attributed. See her other stuff at https://brightandquirky.com/ and https://www.facebook.com/brightandquirky/
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